I have gotten a lot of supportive and constructive feedback from my friends, family and followers since I updated my Facebook page with some new pics and went live with my new and improved website!!! It’s all a work-in-progress as I continue to grow and evolve as a person and in my expanding work as an intuitive and animal communicator, but I’m pleased with how much progress I’ve made and where things are at the moment.
One comment about a picture of me with a little rescue horse, Nikki, I’m helping care for hit me especially hard: “Great picture, both of you look oh so happy.” It brought me to tears. That one, very sincere, well-meaning comment from the heart brought up so much stuff for me and the Soul Level work I’ve been doing around feeling worthy and deserving.
Sh*t, someone caught me sneaking a bit of happiness! Agh! You’re guard was down. What’s wrong with you? You can’t do that. Put your armor back up, quick! Call in the reinforcements–whoever they are—I don’t even know. Maybe the Pity Police? Better yet, I’ll ask the cats. They always know what to do when they’re nervous. Hide? Yes, I can do that.
I joke, but it was a seriously emotional moment for me as I fell down the rabbit hole. My immediate reaction was to question whether I’m allowed to be happy and then whether I deserve to be happy. Had I forgotten what genuine happiness actually felt like to the point that I didn’t even recognize it when it was happening?
As you may know from reading my bio (www.annamarieellison.com/about), I lost my husband to a very rare and aggressive form of cancer 2-1/2 years ago. Starting over after losing the one person I turned to every day for nearly 20 years has been anything but easy. I have done my very best to honor my grief, allowing it to guide me and not consume me. However, there are times when I still feel extremely conflicted about moving forward with my life.
There is the part of me that knows without a doubt that Jim wants me to be happy and to find a way to love life again. And then there’s the part of me that wonders if I deserve to have a second chance to live what feels like a whole new life. Am I dishonoring the love that he and I share if I find a way to be happy without him? Am I worthy of being trusted with love and happiness again or will I somehow screw it up and waste this amazing opportunity that has been given to me?
After a good cry and some reflection, I had to admit to myself that I was legitimately happy in the moment that picture was taken and that I’ve had lots of happy moments in the recent months, despite myself and my negative belief that I’m not worthy or deserving of feeling happiness again. It is because of the animals in my life, like Nikki, that my heart has started to heal and I am so grateful for their guidance. It is through their unconditional love and relentless pursuit to help me heal, grow and evolve, that I have started to recognize my own strengths, to have compassion for my weaknesses and to work through the negative beliefs that hold me back from allowing happiness in.
I invite you to take a look at a negative belief you may be holding on to because it somehow protects you. My negative belief of not being worthy or deserving of happiness protects me because as long as I don’t invite happiness into my life, I can’t be disappointed when I’m not happy or when I lose something or someone. Fortunately, the animals in my life are not letting me get away with that nonsense and do everything in their power to bring happiness to my life, whether I think I deserve it or not. They know the more they offer the lesson to me, the more opportunity I have to accept and receive it. Over time, I may even start to realize that I am worthy and deserving of it. But, like my ever-changing website, I am a work-in-progress and shifts in negative beliefs don’t happen overnight. Thankfully, our animals are willing to keep working with us as long as it takes, even from the other side!